To My Friend

Today was the day you were brought to peace, although far too early. While I reread our last texts, I knew something was wrong, but I was clueless to the extent. I feel our last exchange had some sort of beauty to it, but I’m struggling with how long it’s been since I had last seen you and the lack of formal goodbye I yearn for.

This note will have to do, so I can summarize the gratitude, memories, and emotions I’m experiencing now.

It seems there’s a lot I didn’t know about you, and when I think about it, that makes sense. You are the father to my cousins, the ex-husband to my mother’s cousin. The relationship was clearly complicated, but to me, you were also a role model. As a teenager, you took me on a day trip to NYC to experience what your job was like. I remember being impressed and just thankful for the opportunity to experience that, which I never would’ve had otherwise. You also took me golfing – twice- which is another thing I never would’ve experienced had it not been for you.

I remember various family trips to Florida, one to Italy, and many times in the place that was once your home for many years, too. I used to be jealous at the places you’d take your kids – both vacations and things like Jingleball! You sold my parents your old car and for me to drive and to date, it’s still one of my favorite cars by far. I have your old kitchen cabinets in my basement, and am so happy I have some “piece of you” left to hold onto – as weird as that is.

I’m naive to everything that happened that led to the divorce, but I was so sad you couldn’t come to our wedding and how difficult it made to have a relationship with you that wasn’t secretive. You were sidelined [perhaps you deserved to be, I’m not sure] yet still ended up giving us an insanely generous gift and it was so kind of you. For years you checked in on my parents and it meant a lot to me, knowing you continued to care for them and vice versa. You checked in when I was pregnant and had the opportunity to meet Tatum, but I’m heartbroken you never got to meet Lucy.

When you got your cats, I loved that you’d always send pictures, knowing I love cats so much. We’d exchange silly tik toks and I’ll always miss seeing your name pop up as active or with a new cat video posted.

I wish I knew more about you and wish I could’ve helped- or at least tried to be more aware- while you were still alive. I wish I forced myself to come see you and that things didn’t play out the way they have.

I’ll forever look out for your kids and love them like my siblings. Your time on this planet was cut too short and I’ll miss you always. Sending my love to wherever your spirit is now, and forever wishing I had the chance to tell you face- to- face how much my family loves you and wishes you well. ❤️

RIP.