Week 2 & The PJ Drawer

It’s week 2 of being back at work. Somehow I managed to time it perfectly so that I had back-to-back four-day work weeks. So far, being back at work is not that bad. What is bad, is the feeling of emptiness I get sometimes when I think about my kids and the time I am missing with them.

When I got home from work today my son greeted me by running to the door and hugging my leg. I didn’t get to smooch him before I left for work because he was still sleeping, so this small gesture from my tiny human just melted me. As I sat on the couch, my 13-week old daughter squirmed on the cushion next to me. She was trying over and over to sit up. Is that even normal at this age? I joked to my husband she’s going to have great abs one day. It amazes me how strong she’s getting and how different she seems to look in such a small amount of time. She’s so young, yet I can feel the intensity and wisdom she holds just by looking in her eyes. She’s so expressive for someone who can’t communicate.

I went to get my son dressed for bed and – surprise! – his shirts are now in his PJ drawer and vice versa. Now it’s true, his PJ drawer was stuffed and small, so this transition makes a lot of sense, but it bothered me. I was waiting to move his things around once we are able to finish our master bedroom and get our daughter’s room finally situated, but that moment felt stolen from me. It felt extra offensive considering we could’ve discussed and made the move during my 12-week long maternity break, but nope. I think I was more annoyed that I set aside a few pairs of jammies to be put in storage and they miraculously ended up back in the new PJ drawer while all the other clothes in that pile stayed in the place. I know this is ridiculous, but I think this was the final straw for me for the night.

For lack of a better way to describe it, I feel replaced. I’m more of like that substitute who fills in during early mornings, nights, and weekends.

I’m happy to be back at work for the brain stimulation, but I feel sad. I don’t always notice it, but when I do, I feel very emotional. A minimum of 40 hours every week is lost. I lose a lot of opportunities for personal enjoyment in that time. I do try to focus on the positives, but it’s hard. Today is emotional.