Maternity Leave

As I sit here writing this, I am crying my poor little eyes out. In just a short 4 days, I will be returning to work after a 12 week maternity leave.

I’m far more sad this time around than the first time, I think. This leave was a little more magical. It was summertime, pretty fantastic weather the majority of my time off, and I had both my newborn and my 1.5 year old son around. Also, my mother-in-law babysits my son for us, so I didn’t have both kids alone every day. I truly had the best of both worlds. I spent so much time with my kids. I got to make my son breakfast, lunch, and dinners and read him stories in the middle of the day. I got to snuggle with my baby girl all day and watch her grow and figure out new things every day. My husband was kind enough to make time to go on family walks regularly with our dog, enjoying our cute little neighborhood and the fresh air we all need.

I’m sad about the things I’ll likely miss. I’ll probably miss her first time rolling or crawling. I’ll miss some of her food “firsts”. I can’t expect her to wait to time things perfectly for when I’m around. For my son, I won’t get to spend nearly as much time with him again. I won’t get to see or know the little things about him as well, like what his favorite song is on his favorite show. I miss out on a lot of bath times and nap/ bottle time snuggles.

While I’m grateful for the time I’ve had, I really can’t help but feel like it’s not enough. I have many friends and know of many people who have 20+ weeks of maternity time off plus paid time off on top of that. Knowing that, I can’t help but feel robbed. As a lady who’s now birthed two children, I can vouch that it takes times to feel like yourself again. First off, it takes time to literally heal your body. Whether you vaginally birthed (like me), or had a c-section, your body needs time to heal back to its semi [new] normal self. Second, it takes time to want to brave the outdoors on your own with a new child (or two). It’s not easy going out with kids and requires a lot of extra packing and preparation. It also requires a newfound level of patience you develop once you become a parent. Last and most importantly, our babies need us!! I feel as though most people who are parents would agree that they’d rather their children be under their care instead of a nanny or daycare, etc. I’m lucky enough that my children are being cared for by family, but I’m still jealous. That’s precious time of bonding that I’m missing out on. Even the drive to drop my kids off mid-way to their grandmas makes me jealous, because it’s extra time my husband gets to have with my kids that I will never have.

Working is critical for survival but it’s a sacrifice. I work to feed my family, but as a result I have minimal time to spend with my family. Doesn’t that seem so jacked up?

I’m trying to navigate this darkish space as I transition back to work. I am a manager. I need to lead by example. I need to have a happy, positive attitude to ensure my team functions the same and feels comfortable. I sit here trying to remind myself that I am lucky, and trust me I know I am, but I sure wish I had more time. Time is the most precious thing of all. ❤️