Pregnancy During COVID-19

I’m 28 weeks pregnant with my first child in the middle of a world wide pandemic. I’m not sure anything can ever really prepare you for this sort of thing. I’ve heard all about the joys of the first time you lay your eyes on your baby and that unconditional love you experience and quite frankly, I’m looking forward to that, because the last 7 months have been a whirlwind.

So why is my pregnancy so tough? Good question. I’ve spent the majority of my time feeling nauseous, uncomfortable and have spent quite a lot of time hugging the toilet as I puke my brains out. I finally reached a point where I called my doctor basically begging for help. For any other pregnant ladies suffering from the same sort of symptoms— try vitamin B6 and the sleeping pill (not the gel) Unisom. It’s been a life savor!! (Warning: there are still days I experience nausea and some vomiting but not anywhere near the level of torture I was enduring prior!)

Today my husband and I went to Buy Buy Baby and I think I feel more overwhelmed now than ever before. This might come off the wrong way, but I can’t believe the amount of shit you have to buy and the prices associated with it all. Obviously I am, and have always been, aware that babies are expensive, but this was an awakening for my future.

I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and for some reason, today those things are rapidly creeping up in the back of my mind. It is feeling I can’t seem to shake and it makes me sad. Will I always feel like this? Will I be one of those mothers who severely struggles after the baby is born? I’m completely terrified of what the future holds.

We have 6 pets. They are my whole world and I love them to pieces. Will that change? Will they be upset or jealous of the baby’s grand arrival?

Maybe a lot of this can be tied back to COVID-19 and what the world is like these days. First of all, it’s not like my husband and I can be “living it up” and enjoying our last few months of just us. We can’t go out with friends, we barely get to see family, and every day is a worry of will we catch this deadly disease? If so, will the baby be ok? I fantasized of a baby moon vacation- our last getaway together. Obviously that couldn’t happen with what’s happening today. When will my next vacation be? Years from now?

Just 7 months ago I was promoted into the best position I’ve had – both financially and overall- in my adult career. I know we can realistically afford the baby, yet since we’ve found out about his existence, instead of saving like intelligent adults, we have been doing house project after project, just pouring money into preparing. After seeing the cost of all the things we need today, I about had a heart attack. Can we actually afford this baby, our pets and the current life style I enjoy living? Is everything going to change drastically in a negative way? I can’t stop thinking about who’s going to take care of the baby once I return to work and how that will emotionally impact me. Will I be devastated or relieved to go back?

Then there’s that god awful thought that is always creeping in the back of my mind. What if there’s something wrong with the baby? Can I handle that mentally? What if something happens after he is born – to me, my husband or him? I don’t know if I have the strength to survive something like that. It seems unrealistic to worry about that, yet I can’t shake the fear. There is so much added responsibility of taking care of another human being and the love associated with it.

There are so many worries running through my head that I can’t seem to find that joy I so desire. It’s there sometimes, but lately the anxiety is overbearing. I never do well with major life changes and this is about as life changing as it gets. It hits harder and harder the closer we get to his due date.

I am hoping writing my emotions will release some of the stress I seem to be internalizing lately. I can’t sleep that well- from my understanding this is normal for the third trimester- but it isn’t helping anything. As I lie here next to my snoozing husband, I wish for happiness; the strength to be the mother I hope to be. Only time will tell what the future holds, but I hope it’s bright and beautiful.